When life gets you down, there’s always a product to lift you back up.

TelevisionWell, at least this is one of the reasons…the many, many reasons.  Oh, and this is a reason too.

I remember the good ol’ days when there was the Hitler channel otherwise known as A&E, when TLC stood for The LEARNING Channel, and when Spike TV was TNN or The Nashville Network.  OK, so I never actually watched TNN…like ever, but I always imagined it was episodes of Hee-Haw and Dukes of Hazzard on continuous loop.  Nowadays we have a plurality of channel selections with an education bent such as The History Channel, The Discovery Channel, The National Geographic Channel, History International…well, the list goes on and you get the point.  Hooray for variety!

The problem with the new spate of educational channels is that they’re not actually educational.  I mean, look at the program lineup for The History Channel.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Go ahead…

OK, I’ll tell you what I’m seeing today.

  • Modern Marvels: Mega Meals
  • All You Can Eat
  • Pawn Stars
  • Angels and Demons Decoded

Oh, don’t worry if you’re thinking there’s no ACTUAL history on The History Channel.  They’ve got your covered with Sex in the Civil War and More Sex in the Civil War.  Better Tivo that for the kids!

Television channels are becoming a series of misnomers: The History Channel no longer has history, there’s not much to discover on the Discovery Channel, I can’t remember the last time I saw a music video on MTV.  But what makes me especially sad is that the plurality of television with its 50,000 channels and its digital programming and so forth is not actually a plurality at all.  All programming on television has become composed of different versions of the same thing, different shades of the same color.

Not that I watch that much television to begin with.  I don’t, but when I do, I like to think I have options: curl up to a good documentary, watch a good movie, perhaps learn a thing or two in the process.  Instead what I’ve got is Sex in the Civil War and Cops.  Thanks TV guys!  Fuck you very much.  It makes me long for those heady days when all I saw when I flipped to A&E was some Hitler documentary.  I miss those now.

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Big MouthI am sick, sick, sick to death of websites that have sound. I mean, I like sound in general. I like YouTube and Hulu and they have sound. What I can’t stand is YOUR shitty-ass website with animated gif’s, center-aligned text, and that fucking WAV file of your favorite song you have that starts playing at 4-fucking-000 decibels immediately after the page loads. Yeah, your website is NOT a fucking EXPERIENCE. I don’t want to be lulled into a feeling of warmth and comfort as you play contemporary jazz and dazzle me with 200MB images of some beach in I-dont-fucking-care-istan.

The reason I’m writing this is because I was just ears-bleedingly-loud-music-rolled by yet another fucking website: http://www.shrutilaya.org (WARNING: the sound on the site is loud…and it never fucking ends).  Look, you amateur dipshits, people actually may look at your website at school, at the library, at work and they don’t need to listen to your shitty music blaring unexpectedly.  It’s annoying and it’s rude.  It’s like if you went to your local library and just started shouting.  It’s like if you were anywhere and just started shouting.  There is no difference between this and acting like a crazy person.  Because that’s what you are — yeah, I’m looking at you, Webmaster G-Dog!, with your Macbook PRO in the coffee shop sipping lattes and furrowing your brow while you work with your webmasterin’ skillz because I don’t know how many years of webapprenticeship you went through and I don’t care how many years you were a webjourneyman before being elevated by some blazing Sword of Greyskull-like dildo that christened you into webmasterhood (pathetic piece of shit, I fuckin’ hate you) — you’re a crazy person.

Here’s the deal.  I want to go to your website, glean some information that I deem important, and get the fuck away.  I don’t want to be pulled into your idea of what my experience should be.  I don’t want to be dazzled by flourishes of pretty colors and smart spacing.  I don’t want a million stupid gadgets in my way for my convenience.  I don’t really care about using your website as a springboard into my social networks because let’s face it, they’re stupid anyway.  And you’re stupid.  I will ignore your ads with every ounce of my being.  I will close every popup you dare to open.  If your entire website is in Flash, I will wonder if you are trying out for the special Olympics because you obviously have Down’s Syndrome…and your mother probably drank during her pregnancy.  All I ask is that you give me what I want and that you get the fuck out of my way.  Who knows?  Maybe I would even pay for that.

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NYC Subway and the Male Anatomy Just an observation.  And I would find it very hard to believe that I’m the first to make the connection.  What?!  Didn’t you study this stuff in health class?  Anyway, just look at the picture…

Ever see one of these commercials?


What is a cloud?  Well, let IBM tell you.  A cloud is a “workload-optimized, service-management platform enabling new consumption and delivery models.”  Thanks, IBM.  That clears it up for me.  All this time I thought a cloud was one of those fluffy, white things that appear in the sky from time to time.

Yes, those are IBM-ers explaining the complexities of the new and confusing technological world we live in with even more confusing technological jargon.  Why?  Because you’re stupid and you should buy IBM’s bullshit because it’s scary out there and only IBM knows what any of this crazy, newfangled stuff means.  Don’t worry.  Let the tender caress of IBM’s sacherine words lull you into a gilded sleep where angels poop rainbows and giraffes frolick and sing like little girls.

Funny thing is I actually know what a “cloud” is.  Believe me, it’s not the voo-doo, hocus-pocus the IBM asswipes in the commercial purport it is.  I liken it to Zip Cars.  You can buy your own car, pay insurance, etc. and maintain that car.  All of this comes at a hefty expense.  But it’s great because you have a car that you can use all the time.  But if you don’t need a car all the time, then it’s a questionable expense.  Sure, 90% of the time, maybe you don’t need a car, but it sure comes in handy that other 10%, right?  Well, that’s where Zip Cars come in.  You get a membership and you use a car when you need it.  You essentially pay as you go.

Hosting your own application infrastructure is like owning a car.  It’s expensive as hell, but comes in handy.  However, if you need a lot of bandwidth, hardware, etc. 10% and not so much 90% of the time, it’s a lot of wasted expense.  So you use a cloud infrastructure, which is essentially someone else’s application infrastructure writ large.  IBM as well as Amazon, Microsoft, Google, and others all have clouds.  They’re basically selling a service whereby you rent their cars at a reasonable expense as you need it.  You pay as you go.

I’m simplifying drastically, but you get the idea.  And hey, I’m way less obnoxious than those IBM shitwits.