Ever see one of these commercials?

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What is a cloud?  Well, let IBM tell you.  A cloud is a “workload-optimized, service-management platform enabling new consumption and delivery models.”  Thanks, IBM.  That clears it up for me.  All this time I thought a cloud was one of those fluffy, white things that appear in the sky from time to time.

Yes, those are IBM-ers explaining the complexities of the new and confusing technological world we live in with even more confusing technological jargon.  Why?  Because you’re stupid and you should buy IBM’s bullshit because it’s scary out there and only IBM knows what any of this crazy, newfangled stuff means.  Don’t worry.  Let the tender caress of IBM’s sacherine words lull you into a gilded sleep where angels poop rainbows and giraffes frolick and sing like little girls.

Funny thing is I actually know what a “cloud” is.  Believe me, it’s not the voo-doo, hocus-pocus the IBM asswipes in the commercial purport it is.  I liken it to Zip Cars.  You can buy your own car, pay insurance, etc. and maintain that car.  All of this comes at a hefty expense.  But it’s great because you have a car that you can use all the time.  But if you don’t need a car all the time, then it’s a questionable expense.  Sure, 90% of the time, maybe you don’t need a car, but it sure comes in handy that other 10%, right?  Well, that’s where Zip Cars come in.  You get a membership and you use a car when you need it.  You essentially pay as you go.

Hosting your own application infrastructure is like owning a car.  It’s expensive as hell, but comes in handy.  However, if you need a lot of bandwidth, hardware, etc. 10% and not so much 90% of the time, it’s a lot of wasted expense.  So you use a cloud infrastructure, which is essentially someone else’s application infrastructure writ large.  IBM as well as Amazon, Microsoft, Google, and others all have clouds.  They’re basically selling a service whereby you rent their cars at a reasonable expense as you need it.  You pay as you go.

I’m simplifying drastically, but you get the idea.  And hey, I’m way less obnoxious than those IBM shitwits.