Intermittent Rant

For anyone that watched MTV back in its heyday when it ACTUALLY had music videos, “The State” may just ring a bell. For everyone else, well…let’s just say it rocked. It was a sketch comedy show that aired in the early 90’s and starred among several now semi-famous but then very obscure actors Michael Ian Black and Thomas Lennon. It was 30 minutes a week of wacked out sketches like “The Jew, the Italian, and the Redhead Gay” and “Monkey Torture”. It aired for a few seasons and was much beloved.

Well, those actors have moved on. Michael Ian Black went on to do a bunch of shows like “Ed” and Sierra Mist commercials. Thomas Lennon and Kerri Kenney hooked a few shows on Comedy Central like “Viva Variety” and now “Reno 911″. Now Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, and David Wain have created “Stella”, which aired tonight. My initial reaction: I miss “The State”.

All of these sundry efforts have been cute and even somewhat amusing, but all in all, they’ll never recapture the glory, the triumph, the shear power of those “The State” years. Anyway, I just wanted to say I miss “The State”. I hear people out there are trying to petition MTV to release a DVD. God speed, young people, god speed…

So I’m trekking around Washington like I always do…on foot, when I decide to give ol’ Mr. Lincoln a visit. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to the Lincoln Memorial, I think to myself as a meander through the throngs of tourists and midday joggers. It was a sweltering day beautiful as it were and the city was awash in vibrant colors. If any of you have been to the Washington, you’d know what a long, arudous journey it can be between the Capitol and the Memorial. Doesn’t seem that long. The walk is almost laughable. But there you are trudging onwards thinking when the hell am I gonna get there???

But I finally made it. I swept up to the top of the steps — one by one — seeing Honest Abe peek out onto the capital horizan. And there I was, all of a sudden, in the presence of the Great Emancipator himself in all his glory. It’s almost a religious experience…even after all the times I’ve been there. It always reminds me of the ancient Temple of Zeus from the days of yore…whatever yore means. And when you think about it, all the cities of the world…from Rio and its Christ the Redeemer statue at Corcovado to Paris and Notre-Dame Cathedral…the rest of the world is littered with monumental tributes in the name of religion. Yet here in Washington, our tributes are not generally for the sake of religious figures but rather ordinary men and women. OUR capital city contains tributes to fallen soldiers and great political leaders. Rather than Jesus or the Virgin Mary, we see visions of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

So then I think about what it is in the American spirit that impels us to “worship” these figures and give them god-like status in our American pantheon. But then it struck me. It’s not that we are raising them to the level of gods. All of these people stood for something, symbolized a value, and it is not these people that we are elevating, but the values they stood for. It is these American values that we wish to worship and hold sacred. It binds us all as Americans. When Jefferson wrote, “We hold these truths to be self-evident…that all men are created equal…”, when Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream…”, when Roosevelt shouted, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…”, they were espousing our values.

So whenever I see a monument — which happens often in this city — I think about these values. I think about the American religion. It is something deeper than partisan rancor, deeper than Jesus. It’s the thing that truly unites all of us Americans. The anthem, the flag, the eagle all prostrate themselves in this temple, the temple of the great American experiment. So if a politician were to ask me how to get in touch with the American people, I’d smile and point to the Lincoln Memorial and say, “Talk to the man upstairs.”

I almost called this post “Queer Blow for the Straight Joe”, but I figured nobody would understand it and, to be honest, I don’t quite get it myself. Anyway, so I’m walking down 11th Street today and I see a big sign for…you got it…”Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino” available at the nearest Starbucks. Incidentally, my manager has a detailed mental map of all the Starbucks locations within a 3-mile radius of our office…but I’ll get to that later. So it got me to thinking: What is behind this insurgent coffee craze?

I have a theory. I don’t know what it is, but I’m convinced Starbucks puts something in their coffee. I mean something addictive! I know, I know…caffeine. It’s just the caffeine. BUT, you ever seen anyone go through 7 cups of Jolt cola in one day??? It can’t be just the caffeine. So I’m thinking there’s something nefarious afoot. Something’s definitely going on. I mean, come on…cup after glorious cup gets pumped out on every street corner, mall, and shopping center throughout the country. Everywhere you go, there’s a Starbucks. Everywhere you are, there’s a Starbucks. In fact, I bet there’s a Starbucks within a couple of miles of you RIGHT NOW! Lurking! But that’s not enough…there’s also a 7-11, or a CVS, or something, right? Yes, of course, but these places are convenience places. If you need milk late at night, or a prescription, or have an emergency. And even if you need to get your 2am coffee fix, hazzah! Starbucks is CLOSED!

So it’s well established they’re freakin’ everywhere. But why, oh why, are they so freakin’ popular? Then it hits me…the tobacco industry! They got into hot water with the law just about the time Starbucks got really big. Wouldn’t it be just like them to hatch a clandestine deal with the coffee folks to pump their wares into the American public? Hey, it’s just another channel. It’s just another link in the ever growing supply chain of nicotine. Remember Tomacco?! Remember how Ralph Wiggum thought it tasted like grandma, but he couldn’t stop eating it? I mean, do you know anyone that truly LOVES Starbucks coffee for the taste. I’ve always gotten mediocre reviews. But you can’t stop drinking it. Hell, I know people who drink several cups a day of that stuff.

Of course, the nicotine has to be well hidden. So why not invent new flavors of coffee. I mean, if it were just coffee, someone with an acute tongue may say, ‘Hey, this tastes like grandma!’ Ergo, mint mocha chip frappuccino. It’s all about hiding the nicotine. PLUS you can entice young kids with it. It’s like candy! Oh, those tobacco bastards so want to indoctrinate the young with their products. It’s a sickness. It’s like pedophilia…pedo-marketing. Disgusting.

So that’s my theory. Don’t call it a quack conspiracy thing just yet. Investigate. Call Mike Wallace. Let’s get these tobacco bastards before they corrupt us even further. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children…