Archive for the ‘Stupid Bullshit’ Category

When life gets you down, there’s always a product to lift you back up.

eHarmony Logo

OK, I agree…a little graphic. I have to admit I don’t know much about Satan’s butthole nor the frothy badness that spews from it, but we shall leave the explicit details for another time. Tonight I was watching television when lo a little commercial featuring a web product sold by a Mister Neil Clark Warren comes on. You know the ones:

I’ve got a business and when you’ve got your own business, you’re too busy to form relationships with real people in real life. I mean, I’ve got my own business, people! That’s why I gave eHarmony a try. That’s how I met {insert random name here}…

[Speaker falls in slow motion into {insert random name here}'s arms]

It’s like we just clicked. It’s like we were made for each other…

[Speaker and {insert random name here} exchange a smooch]

I can’t imagine life with {insert speaker’s name here}. I just look at {insert speaker’s name here} and…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} making out in front of camera]

I didn’t think love could be like this…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} in mid-coitus]

Thanks, eHarmony.

[Enter Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony]

Isn’t it great to find true love (except if you’re gay)? With 29 dimensions of compatibility, we’ve removed all the spontaneity and thrill of finding that special someone into a scientific and meticulous process consisting of answering questions and constant disappointment.

Anyway, fuck those eHarmony commercials.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Lolcats BackstageOK, so I don’t want to be a hater. I don’t. I’m not a hater. Really! I’m not.

But I really really really really really really hate Lolcats. I don’t quite get it. What is this phenomenon? How has it gotten so popular?

Here’s my impression of how it came about:

Gosh, gee, golly, gee-whiz, that sure is a cute picture of a cat. But no, I, I can’t just send it to all my friends and family and co-workers and passers-by and strangers and such. No, it’s missing something. YES! It needs a caption of some sort. Yeah, as if the cat were trying to say something. Like as if the cat has ATTITUDE! Boffo!

But wait, I have an even better idea! (Gee, golly, I’m so clever!) What if I misspelled the captions so that the cat’s not only got attitude but he can’t fathom our quaint human world with our rules of grammar and bizarre social customs.

OMG, GENIUS!!!!!!!!!

I mean, they’re cute and all, but it’s like pushing cuteness to a whole new level. It’s like punching someone in the face with cuteness.

But won’t someone please think of the children…I mean, cats? It’s like you can’t take a cat seriously anymore. You see a cat pooping and instead of recoiling in disgust, you think, “I Shoodna Eatn Dat Hole Ding!” or two cats fucking and you say to yourself, “OOPS! Where my junk go?” I mean, don’t you remember when you looked at a cat and simply thought, “Meow.” This is borderline animal cruelty. And I’m not afraid to say it once and for all.

UPDATE: Apparently, they’re being turned into a musical. I believe this is one of the four horsemen.

FatHelga Obama-izedI just had to Obama-ize something and FatHelga (aka my alter ego) seemed like the right thing to do. I really have no desire to explain the etiology of “FatHelga” though I am asked constantly about it (especially on dates).

“So what’s the deal with ‘FatHelga’?”

“Is that the name of an old girlfriend or something?”

“Why the nun with the cigar?”

“Are you on drugs or something?”

Can’t I have a little mystery? Can’t I just be a tad quirky without having to explain my zaniness? Can’t I just be?

Like a complete unknown.

Like a rolling stone.

If you want to Obama-ize something, you can check out Obamicon.Me. It’s a great waste of exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

NapoleonSo I was flipping throught the channel guide one day when I stumbled upon a movie named “Napoleon”. “Oooh, I biopic…about Napoleon, ” I thought. “That sounds good.” Instead of seeing the famous general and erstwhile emperor on the screen, I see a little dog scampering about making me realize they have made yet another dog movie named after a famous person.

If it weren’t bad enough that googling “Beethoven” got you a mix of results including references to the series of dog films starring Charles Grodin, googling “Napoleon” will do the same. My only question is why. Why the assault on famous personages from the early 19th century? Who’s next? Will I see a trailer with a puppy scampering about with someone yelling “Ralph Waldo Emerson” behind? Or one where someone is talking down to a chocolate Lab saying, “Jane Austen, did you poop on the rug again?”

Stay tuned.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]