OK, I agree…a little graphic. I have to admit I don’t know much about Satan’s butthole nor the frothy badness that spews from it, but we shall leave the explicit details for another time. Tonight I was watching television when lo a little commercial featuring a web product sold by a Mister Neil Clark Warren comes on. You know the ones:

I’ve got a business and when you’ve got your own business, you’re too busy to form relationships with real people in real life. I mean, I’ve got my own business, people! That’s why I gave eHarmony a try. That’s how I met {insert random name here}…

[Speaker falls in slow motion into {insert random name here}'s arms]

It’s like we just clicked. It’s like we were made for each other…

[Speaker and {insert random name here} exchange a smooch]

I can’t imagine life with {insert speaker’s name here}. I just look at {insert speaker’s name here} and…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} making out in front of camera]

I didn’t think love could be like this…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} in mid-coitus]

Thanks, eHarmony.

[Enter Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony]

Isn’t it great to find true love (except if you’re gay)? With 29 dimensions of compatibility, we’ve removed all the spontaneity and thrill of finding that special someone into a scientific and meticulous process consisting of answering questions and constant disappointment.

Anyway, fuck those eHarmony commercials.

But I really really really really really really hate Lolcats. I don’t quite get it. What is this phenomenon? How has it gotten so popular?

Here’s my impression of how it came about:

Gosh, gee, golly, gee-whiz, that sure is a cute picture of a cat. But no, I, I can’t just send it to all my friends and family and co-workers and passers-by and strangers and such. No, it’s missing something. YES! It needs a caption of some sort. Yeah, as if the cat were trying to say something. Like as if the cat has ATTITUDE! Boffo!

But wait, I have an even better idea! (Gee, golly, I’m so clever!) What if I misspelled the captions so that the cat’s not only got attitude but he can’t fathom our quaint human world with our rules of grammar and bizarre social customs.

OMG, GENIUS!!!!!!!!!

I mean, they’re cute and all, but it’s like pushing cuteness to a whole new level. It’s like punching someone in the face with cuteness.

But won’t someone please think of the children…I mean, cats? It’s like you can’t take a cat seriously anymore. You see a cat pooping and instead of recoiling in disgust, you think, “I Shoodna Eatn Dat Hole Ding!” or two cats fucking and you say to yourself, “OOPS! Where my junk go?” I mean, don’t you remember when you looked at a cat and simply thought, “Meow.” This is borderline animal cruelty. And I’m not afraid to say it once and for all.

UPDATE: Apparently, they’re being turned into a musical. I believe this is one of the four horsemen.

“So what’s the deal with ‘FatHelga’?”

“Is that the name of an old girlfriend or something?”

“Why the nun with the cigar?”

“Are you on drugs or something?”

Can’t I have a little mystery? Can’t I just be a tad quirky without having to explain my zaniness? Can’t I just be?

Like a complete unknown.

Like a rolling stone.

If you want to Obama-ize something, you can check out Obamicon.Me. It’s a great waste of exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds.

If it weren’t bad enough that googling “Beethoven” got you a mix of results including references to the series of dog films starring Charles Grodin, googling “Napoleon” will do the same. My only question is why. Why the assault on famous personages from the early 19th century? Who’s next? Will I see a trailer with a puppy scampering about with someone yelling “Ralph Waldo Emerson” behind? Or one where someone is talking down to a chocolate Lab saying, “Jane Austen, did you poop on the rug again?”

Stay tuned.

I so want a button like that that makes things explode. Incidentally, I have FIOS, and it is indeed…AWESOME!

Now the reason why I’m so impressed. Hollywood is crazy. Hollywood is full of nutjobs. Matt Stone even talks in a 60 Minutes interview about how Hollywood actors think they’re so important when in fact it’s just plain silly how they talk. I agree…Hollywood is completely out of touch with America and reality to some respect. Scientology commands a great deal of respect in Hollywood. Some of your favorite stars are Scientologists, or into Kabbala. In fact, you could say saying anything against Scientology in Hollywood is akin to career suicide. But when you’re Matt Stone and Trey Parker, it becomes a dare. And it’s a dare they’ve taken. And not without support…fans of South Park are boycotting MI3 in protest over the censorship of the imfanous episode that started all this. I agree on two grounds: 1) it’s about time somebody took on those Scientology bastards and 2) I think it’s reprehensible how the Mission:Impossible television show was morphed into this Tom Cruise ego-fest that has nothing to do with the original series. It’s just another BAD remake. Worse…it’s a sequel to a sequel to a BAD remake.

itsjustcoffee.com

For those non-committal, coffee-achiever types.

teamdating.com

Now women can date the same way they go to the bathroom!

bananasanddonuts.com

I guess cockandpussy.com was already taken. I’ll leave this one to the imagination.

deafsinglesconnection.com

I guess going to a concert is out of the question.

cowboycowgirl.com

Is that a 10-gallon hat or are you just happy to see me? Wait, don’t answer that.

inmate-connections.com

Yes, girls! When having a man on a tight leash just isn’t enough.

womenbehindbars.com

Yes, guys! It’s the plot of 30% of all softcore porn films come to life! Here, you want them to drop the soap.

findashemalelover.com

One thing I don’t get: “Huge Package” isn’t listed as one of the body types.

datemypet.com

I can imagine some very weird 3-ways here. Then again, no…I’d rather not.