Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Big MouthI am sick, sick, sick to death of websites that have sound. I mean, I like sound in general. I like YouTube and Hulu and they have sound. What I can’t stand is YOUR shitty-ass website with animated gif’s, center-aligned text, and that fucking WAV file of your favorite song you have that starts playing at 4-fucking-000 decibels immediately after the page loads. Yeah, your website is NOT a fucking EXPERIENCE. I don’t want to be lulled into a feeling of warmth and comfort as you play contemporary jazz and dazzle me with 200MB images of some beach in I-dont-fucking-care-istan.

The reason I’m writing this is because I was just ears-bleedingly-loud-music-rolled by yet another fucking website: (WARNING: the sound on the site is loud…and it never fucking ends).  Look, you amateur dipshits, people actually may look at your website at school, at the library, at work and they don’t need to listen to your shitty music blaring unexpectedly.  It’s annoying and it’s rude.  It’s like if you went to your local library and just started shouting.  It’s like if you were anywhere and just started shouting.  There is no difference between this and acting like a crazy person.  Because that’s what you are — yeah, I’m looking at you, Webmaster G-Dog!, with your Macbook PRO in the coffee shop sipping lattes and furrowing your brow while you work with your webmasterin’ skillz because I don’t know how many years of webapprenticeship you went through and I don’t care how many years you were a webjourneyman before being elevated by some blazing Sword of Greyskull-like dildo that christened you into webmasterhood (pathetic piece of shit, I fuckin’ hate you) — you’re a crazy person.

Here’s the deal.  I want to go to your website, glean some information that I deem important, and get the fuck away.  I don’t want to be pulled into your idea of what my experience should be.  I don’t want to be dazzled by flourishes of pretty colors and smart spacing.  I don’t want a million stupid gadgets in my way for my convenience.  I don’t really care about using your website as a springboard into my social networks because let’s face it, they’re stupid anyway.  And you’re stupid.  I will ignore your ads with every ounce of my being.  I will close every popup you dare to open.  If your entire website is in Flash, I will wonder if you are trying out for the special Olympics because you obviously have Down’s Syndrome…and your mother probably drank during her pregnancy.  All I ask is that you give me what I want and that you get the fuck out of my way.  Who knows?  Maybe I would even pay for that.

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Ever see one of these commercials?


What is a cloud?  Well, let IBM tell you.  A cloud is a “workload-optimized, service-management platform enabling new consumption and delivery models.”  Thanks, IBM.  That clears it up for me.  All this time I thought a cloud was one of those fluffy, white things that appear in the sky from time to time.

Yes, those are IBM-ers explaining the complexities of the new and confusing technological world we live in with even more confusing technological jargon.  Why?  Because you’re stupid and you should buy IBM’s bullshit because it’s scary out there and only IBM knows what any of this crazy, newfangled stuff means.  Don’t worry.  Let the tender caress of IBM’s sacherine words lull you into a gilded sleep where angels poop rainbows and giraffes frolick and sing like little girls.

Funny thing is I actually know what a “cloud” is.  Believe me, it’s not the voo-doo, hocus-pocus the IBM asswipes in the commercial purport it is.  I liken it to Zip Cars.  You can buy your own car, pay insurance, etc. and maintain that car.  All of this comes at a hefty expense.  But it’s great because you have a car that you can use all the time.  But if you don’t need a car all the time, then it’s a questionable expense.  Sure, 90% of the time, maybe you don’t need a car, but it sure comes in handy that other 10%, right?  Well, that’s where Zip Cars come in.  You get a membership and you use a car when you need it.  You essentially pay as you go.

Hosting your own application infrastructure is like owning a car.  It’s expensive as hell, but comes in handy.  However, if you need a lot of bandwidth, hardware, etc. 10% and not so much 90% of the time, it’s a lot of wasted expense.  So you use a cloud infrastructure, which is essentially someone else’s application infrastructure writ large.  IBM as well as Amazon, Microsoft, Google, and others all have clouds.  They’re basically selling a service whereby you rent their cars at a reasonable expense as you need it.  You pay as you go.

I’m simplifying drastically, but you get the idea.  And hey, I’m way less obnoxious than those IBM shitwits.

personasI have no idea what this signifies, but it looked cool while it was being compiled. Basically, Personas is an art exhibit that takes your name and scours the Interweb for it. It is color coded based on categories. It’s basically data mining if data mining were like the gay pride rainbow flag. I want to believe that this means something, but honestly I don’t see that it does. However, it does trigger my look-at-the-pretty-colors reflex, which I suppose makes it worthwhile in the end.

TwitterEveryone’s in LOVE with Twitter. Yes, everyone’s a-twitterin’ and a-twatterin’ away on their computers, cell phones, blackberries, iPhones, abacuses, chalkboards, stone tablets, and papyrus scrolls. The media’s doing it. Hell, Congress is even doing it. Everybody’s tweeting, or twittering, or twatting, twitting, twooting, twutooting, whatever…

The first reason to hate Twitter: the overly cutsie name. It’s hard to believe we now live in a world where grown people talk about “tweeting”. It’s enough to announce to the whole world for no particular reason, “Hey, everyone who barely knows me and barely cares about what I’m doing, this is what I’m doing right this minute!” It’s enough to say, “!” It’s enough to shout out, “I want to gossip about nothing important and feverishly typing away on my cell phone gives me a euphoric sense of self-satisfaction that…oh, wait a minute, this is so much fun I think I’m cumming!” But to call it “tweeting” gives it that special “retarded” touch.

And Twitter wallows in the mundane and the superficial. Take Facebook for instance. How many friends do you have on Facebook? Now how many “actual” friends do you have in real life? Is there a disconnect? Probably. Be honest. That’s the nature of social networks. We want to connect through them, but they are public by nature and so it is almost impossible to be oneself fully and therefore connect in a genuine way. Take being on camera for instance. When you are on camera, you act different. You put up a front. You play the part of yourself. Because you’re exposed. Social networks are much the same way. Many of us act different on social networks because they in their own way shine a spotlight on us. And as a result, they are anti-social. Because we are not wholy ourselves, we are encumbered from making true connections online.

I am reminded of the old days of IRC. In those heady days when people got online, entered chatrooms, and gabbed with random people they’ve never met, you had a sense of anonymity. You could be whoever you wanted. You could say whatever you wanted. You could be a lover, you could be a smoker, you could even be a midnight toker. And ironically, people are more themselves that way. It’s when your imagination runs wild that you reveal the most about yourself. Nowadays, people no longer have that anonymity. Instead you see people building up their individual profiles, driving up their friend numbers, and generally putting up a face to the world. We get so easily wrapped up in the superficiality of the medium, that we lose sight of ourselves.

The last reason for hating Twitter stems from hype. I’ve heard everything about Twitter. How it has/will change the way humans communicate. How it fundamentally alters your life. How it is a game changer for the Interweb. It’s 140 characters, people. 140 fucking characters! It’s a glorious way to say to the world, “I just typed less than 140 characters!!!” Like all social networks, it’s built on the presumption that the world cares. The world doesn’t care. I’m sorry to have to break it to you. The world does not care! Sure, maybe you’ll touch the life of some migrant worker in Central Zimbabwe with your stunning review of the bag of popcorn you just ate, but that just seems really unlikely.

Ultimately, most people want the web to change our lives. I am reminded of the philosophy discussion group I ran for a while. People clambered for an online discussion and someone finally put up a forum on their site for people to participate in philosophical discussions online. Almost no one participated and it eventually died. Why? I think it’s because you lose the dialog. Admittedly, this is where I think Twitter has the ability to shine. It allows you to have dialogs — albeit badly. Dialogs allow you to connect. But dialogs are hinged on immediacy. When you don’t have the immediacy, everyone having the short attention spans that they do will move onto something else. And there’s nothing social about that.

Blackberry StormNew Blackberry Storm commercial:

Okay, so I’m at home masturbating when…my Blackberry Storm vibrates.

I ignored the call, but then…I cram it up my ass and call myself all night.

Is that supposed to happen?

Is it supposed to feel so right?

(Shot of Verizon crowd.)

Oh right.

So yes, I still hate the Blackberry Storm and, worse yet, I have to tolerate those terrible commercials where the dude is talking about how the Storm makes him feel like a natural woman or something. And I still see article after article about whether the iPhone will be able to weather “the Storm.” Gimme a break. It’s been 3 months and nobody is talking about it. I haven’t even seen it in the wild at all. There is barely a mention of it outside of those milquetoast commercials.

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