I remember the good ol’ days when there was the Hitler channel otherwise known as A&E, when TLC stood for The LEARNING Channel, and when Spike TV was TNN or The Nashville Network.  OK, so I never actually watched TNN…like ever, but I always imagined it was episodes of Hee-Haw and Dukes of Hazzard on continuous loop.  Nowadays we have a plurality of channel selections with an education bent such as The History Channel, The Discovery Channel, The National Geographic Channel, History International…well, the list goes on and you get the point.  Hooray for variety!

The problem with the new spate of educational channels is that they’re not actually educational.  I mean, look at the program lineup for The History Channel.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Go ahead…

…

…

…

OK, I’ll tell you what I’m seeing today.

• Modern Marvels: Mega Meals
• All You Can Eat
• Pawn Stars
• Angels and Demons Decoded

Oh, don’t worry if you’re thinking there’s no ACTUAL history on The History Channel.  They’ve got your covered with Sex in the Civil War and More Sex in the Civil War.  Better Tivo that for the kids!

Television channels are becoming a series of misnomers: The History Channel no longer has history, there’s not much to discover on the Discovery Channel, I can’t remember the last time I saw a music video on MTV.  But what makes me especially sad is that the plurality of television with its 50,000 channels and its digital programming and so forth is not actually a plurality at all.  All programming on television has become composed of different versions of the same thing, different shades of the same color.

Not that I watch that much television to begin with.  I don’t, but when I do, I like to think I have options: curl up to a good documentary, watch a good movie, perhaps learn a thing or two in the process.  Instead what I’ve got is Sex in the Civil War and Cops.  Thanks TV guys!  Fuck you very much.  It makes me long for those heady days when all I saw when I flipped to A&E was some Hitler documentary.  I miss those now.

The reason I’m writing this is because I was just ears-bleedingly-loud-music-rolled by yet another fucking website: http://www.shrutilaya.org (WARNING: the sound on the site is loud…and it never fucking ends).  Look, you amateur dipshits, people actually may look at your website at school, at the library, at work and they don’t need to listen to your shitty music blaring unexpectedly.  It’s annoying and it’s rude.  It’s like if you went to your local library and just started shouting.  It’s like if you were anywhere and just started shouting.  There is no difference between this and acting like a crazy person.  Because that’s what you are — yeah, I’m looking at you, Webmaster G-Dog!, with your Macbook PRO in the coffee shop sipping lattes and furrowing your brow while you work with your webmasterin’ skillz because I don’t know how many years of webapprenticeship you went through and I don’t care how many years you were a webjourneyman before being elevated by some blazing Sword of Greyskull-like dildo that christened you into webmasterhood (pathetic piece of shit, I fuckin’ hate you) — you’re a crazy person.

Here’s the deal.  I want to go to your website, glean some information that I deem important, and get the fuck away.  I don’t want to be pulled into your idea of what my experience should be.  I don’t want to be dazzled by flourishes of pretty colors and smart spacing.  I don’t want a million stupid gadgets in my way for my convenience.  I don’t really care about using your website as a springboard into my social networks because let’s face it, they’re stupid anyway.  And you’re stupid.  I will ignore your ads with every ounce of my being.  I will close every popup you dare to open.  If your entire website is in Flash, I will wonder if you are trying out for the special Olympics because you obviously have Down’s Syndrome…and your mother probably drank during her pregnancy.  All I ask is that you give me what I want and that you get the fuck out of my way.  Who knows?  Maybe I would even pay for that.

bed>

What is a cloud?  Well, let IBM tell you.  A cloud is a “workload-optimized, service-management platform enabling new consumption and delivery models.”  Thanks, IBM.  That clears it up for me.  All this time I thought a cloud was one of those fluffy, white things that appear in the sky from time to time.

Yes, those are IBM-ers explaining the complexities of the new and confusing technological world we live in with even more confusing technological jargon.  Why?  Because you’re stupid and you should buy IBM’s bullshit because it’s scary out there and only IBM knows what any of this crazy, newfangled stuff means.  Don’t worry.  Let the tender caress of IBM’s sacherine words lull you into a gilded sleep where angels poop rainbows and giraffes frolick and sing like little girls.

Funny thing is I actually know what a “cloud” is.  Believe me, it’s not the voo-doo, hocus-pocus the IBM asswipes in the commercial purport it is.  I liken it to Zip Cars.  You can buy your own car, pay insurance, etc. and maintain that car.  All of this comes at a hefty expense.  But it’s great because you have a car that you can use all the time.  But if you don’t need a car all the time, then it’s a questionable expense.  Sure, 90% of the time, maybe you don’t need a car, but it sure comes in handy that other 10%, right?  Well, that’s where Zip Cars come in.  You get a membership and you use a car when you need it.  You essentially pay as you go.

Hosting your own application infrastructure is like owning a car.  It’s expensive as hell, but comes in handy.  However, if you need a lot of bandwidth, hardware, etc. 10% and not so much 90% of the time, it’s a lot of wasted expense.  So you use a cloud infrastructure, which is essentially someone else’s application infrastructure writ large.  IBM as well as Amazon, Microsoft, Google, and others all have clouds.  They’re basically selling a service whereby you rent their cars at a reasonable expense as you need it.  You pay as you go.

I’m simplifying drastically, but you get the idea.  And hey, I’m way less obnoxious than those IBM shitwits.

There’s been some buzz about Mickey Mouse’s Makeover. When I saw the rendered image of a new “cantankerous and cunning” Mickey, I thought to myself, “My word! That looks just like Sonic the Hedgehog!” (Yes, I sound like Dr. Watson when I think to myself…by Jove!) Anyway, take a look for yourself. I must say it will be fun to watch toddlers hugging this new Mickey at Disneyland; he looks like he’s ready to punch someone in the face.

OK, I agree…a little graphic. I have to admit I don’t know much about Satan’s butthole nor the frothy badness that spews from it, but we shall leave the explicit details for another time. Tonight I was watching television when lo a little commercial featuring a web product sold by a Mister Neil Clark Warren comes on. You know the ones:

I’ve got a business and when you’ve got your own business, you’re too busy to form relationships with real people in real life. I mean, I’ve got my own business, people! That’s why I gave eHarmony a try. That’s how I met {insert random name here}…

[Speaker falls in slow motion into {insert random name here}'s arms]

It’s like we just clicked. It’s like we were made for each other…

[Speaker and {insert random name here} exchange a smooch]

I can’t imagine life with {insert speaker’s name here}. I just look at {insert speaker’s name here} and…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} making out in front of camera]

I didn’t think love could be like this…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} in mid-coitus]

Thanks, eHarmony.

[Enter Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony]

Isn’t it great to find true love (except if you’re gay)? With 29 dimensions of compatibility, we’ve removed all the spontaneity and thrill of finding that special someone into a scientific and meticulous process consisting of answering questions and constant disappointment.

Anyway, fuck those eHarmony commercials.

First of all, the first 30 minutes of the film was basically a home video of some smarmy San Diego couple Micah and Katie being all couply with Micah being a gadget freak while Katie tolerates it because as she meticulously explains (and I’m paraphrasing here) he’s so cute. After about 30 minutes, I was really hoping one of them would die a grisly death. Then we see footage of them while they’re asleep (which even when time-lapsed seems way too fucking long). What do we get? Strange noises. Then the next morning we get more couple-time. Then more sleep time. This time a door moves. Oooooohhhh! Repeat with each iteration being more bizarre and unbelievable. And I’m referring to the couple time: “Oh, Micah, even though you’ve done everything I’ve expressly told you not to do, I’m going to tolerate you anyway because you’re oh so cute.” By the end, some weird shit happens and then it ends. Fuck me and the $11 I spent.

So Paranormal Activity represents the latest incarnation of shockumentary style horror films including Blair Witch Project. Basically, they’re meant to seem more realistic and thus scarier, but in reality they’re just low-budget movies wrapped in big-budget marketing. If anything, the insane profit margin is what’s scary. But for the most part, they go use realistic tactics to get under your skin: weird noises, unexplainable movements, fuzzy shots. They attempt to poke at our primal defenses…imagine Homo habilis sitting alone in the woods filled with wild animals.

But going back to horror films in general, you have to sort of laugh. I remember watching Candyman when I was a kid and wondering how much fake blood was wasted for this production. When you think about it, most horror films are based on a premise that you have to accept as scary. When you don’t, they lose all their power.

• The Exorcist was basically about a little girl that said a lot of mean things.
• The Shining was about when boredom and alcoholism are mixed.
• Friday the 13th is about how stupid teenage girls are.
• Carrie is about how stupid teenage girls are.
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre taught us that only nutjobs live in Texas (as well as the last administration — ZING!).
• The Omen was about how creepy young boys can be.
• Jaws was about shark attacks — SHARK ATTACKS!
• The Ring taught us all that plot holes can be scary too.

I could go on, but I won’t. Really at the end you just have to say to yourself: It’s only a movie — a really, really stupid movie.

Earlier last week, he made the case that the Obama presidency was indeed an oligarchy because the first letters of words HE CHOSE to describe the Obama White House spelled out OLIGARCH. Well, OLIGARH, but who’s counting? When I viewed this clip of him explaining this, my head exploded.

But then I began to think about it. HOPE is actually an anagram for PHOE. Now if you don’t know what phở is, it’s a Vietnamese soup dish consisting of beef and noodles. It dawned upon me that Barack Obama was turning America into a tasty noodle soup! With the government running healthcare, doctors will be forced to sit on death panels overseeing the killing of countless grandmas to be turned into rice noodles and broth! People, don’t you see what’s happening?! If Obama gets his way, you’ll have to say good-bye to Grandpa Joe and say hello to Phở bò chín nạc (Mmmmmmm, Phở bò chín nạc).

Upon further thought, I realized that if you re-arrange the letters in Barack Obama’s name, you get RABBAOCMAKA, which in this language I just made up means “black guy who will destroy America”. I mean what more proof do you need, America?! Wake up! Take a stand! I mean…*sniff*…I’m sorry…* sniff *…I love my country, and I fear for it.