The New Mickey Mouse (Or Is It the Old Sonic the Hedgehog?)

There’s been some buzz about Mickey Mouse’s Makeover. When I saw the rendered image of a new “cantankerous and cunning” Mickey, I thought to myself, “My word! That looks just like Sonic the Hedgehog!” (Yes, I sound like Dr. Watson when I think to myself…by Jove!) Anyway, take a look for yourself. I must say it will be fun to watch toddlers hugging this new Mickey at Disneyland; he looks like he’s ready to punch someone in the face.

eHarmony Logo

OK, I agree…a little graphic. I have to admit I don’t know much about Satan’s butthole nor the frothy badness that spews from it, but we shall leave the explicit details for another time. Tonight I was watching television when lo a little commercial featuring a web product sold by a Mister Neil Clark Warren comes on. You know the ones:

I’ve got a business and when you’ve got your own business, you’re too busy to form relationships with real people in real life. I mean, I’ve got my own business, people! That’s why I gave eHarmony a try. That’s how I met {insert random name here}…

[Speaker falls in slow motion into {insert random name here}'s arms]

It’s like we just clicked. It’s like we were made for each other…

[Speaker and {insert random name here} exchange a smooch]

I can’t imagine life with {insert speaker’s name here}. I just look at {insert speaker’s name here} and…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} making out in front of camera]

I didn’t think love could be like this…

[Flash to speaker and {insert random name here} in mid-coitus]

Thanks, eHarmony.

[Enter Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony]

Isn’t it great to find true love (except if you’re gay)? With 29 dimensions of compatibility, we’ve removed all the spontaneity and thrill of finding that special someone into a scientific and meticulous process consisting of answering questions and constant disappointment.

Anyway, fuck those eHarmony commercials.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Paranormal ActivityIt’s Halloween time and Hallywood…err, Hollywood…is bringing out a spate of “scary” movies to frighten those dollars out of our wallets. Just recently I went to see Paranormal Activity at the local cineplex. Among the previews was The Fourth Kind, which I haven’t seen but pretty much looks like Paranormal Activity but with a bigger budget (bigger budget meaning they hired Milla Jovovich instead of some smelly no-name actor). I’ll be honest and preface this by saying I don’t usually get scared by scary movies. And I’ll get into why, but first let me get into why Paranormal Activity was such a yawn-fest.

First of all, the first 30 minutes of the film was basically a home video of some smarmy San Diego couple Micah and Katie being all couply with Micah being a gadget freak while Katie tolerates it because as she meticulously explains (and I’m paraphrasing here) he’s so cute. After about 30 minutes, I was really hoping one of them would die a grisly death. Then we see footage of them while they’re asleep (which even when time-lapsed seems way too fucking long). What do we get? Strange noises. Then the next morning we get more couple-time. Then more sleep time. This time a door moves. Oooooohhhh! Repeat with each iteration being more bizarre and unbelievable. And I’m referring to the couple time: “Oh, Micah, even though you’ve done everything I’ve expressly told you not to do, I’m going to tolerate you anyway because you’re oh so cute.” By the end, some weird shit happens and then it ends. Fuck me and the $11 I spent.

So Paranormal Activity represents the latest incarnation of shockumentary style horror films including Blair Witch Project. Basically, they’re meant to seem more realistic and thus scarier, but in reality they’re just low-budget movies wrapped in big-budget marketing. If anything, the insane profit margin is what’s scary. But for the most part, they go use realistic tactics to get under your skin: weird noises, unexplainable movements, fuzzy shots. They attempt to poke at our primal defenses…imagine Homo habilis sitting alone in the woods filled with wild animals.

But going back to horror films in general, you have to sort of laugh. I remember watching Candyman when I was a kid and wondering how much fake blood was wasted for this production. When you think about it, most horror films are based on a premise that you have to accept as scary. When you don’t, they lose all their power.

  • The Exorcist was basically about a little girl that said a lot of mean things.
  • The Shining was about when boredom and alcoholism are mixed.
  • Friday the 13th is about how stupid teenage girls are.
  • Carrie is about how stupid teenage girls are.
  • The Texas Chainsaw Massacre taught us that only nutjobs live in Texas (as well as the last administration — ZING!).
  • The Omen was about how creepy young boys can be.
  • Jaws was about shark attacks — SHARK ATTACKS!
  • The Ring taught us all that plot holes can be scary too.

I could go on, but I won’t. Really at the end you just have to say to yourself: It’s only a movie — a really, really stupid movie.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Glenn-BeckFor those of you who don’t know who Glenn Beck is, let me give you a brief biography. He’s this guy that won a radio DJ contest and rode that wave into a show on the Fox News Channel, where he gets paid to show the batshit insane side of Fox News. Recently, Beck has gotten some attention over some remarks he made about President Barack Obama.

Earlier last week, he made the case that the Obama presidency was indeed an oligarchy because the first letters of words HE CHOSE to describe the Obama White House spelled out OLIGARCH. Well, OLIGARH, but who’s counting? When I viewed this clip of him explaining this, my head exploded.

But then I began to think about it. HOPE is actually an anagram for PHOE. Now if you don’t know what phở is, it’s a Vietnamese soup dish consisting of beef and noodles. It dawned upon me that Barack Obama was turning America into a tasty noodle soup! With the government running healthcare, doctors will be forced to sit on death panels overseeing the killing of countless grandmas to be turned into rice noodles and broth! People, don’t you see what’s happening?! If Obama gets his way, you’ll have to say good-bye to Grandpa Joe and say hello to Phở bò chín nạc (Mmmmmmm, Phở bò chín nạc).

Upon further thought, I realized that if you re-arrange the letters in Barack Obama’s name, you get RABBAOCMAKA, which in this language I just made up means “black guy who will destroy America”. I mean what more proof do you need, America?! Wake up! Take a stand! I mean…*sniff*…I’m sorry…* sniff *…I love my country, and I fear for it.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

personasI have no idea what this signifies, but it looked cool while it was being compiled. Basically, Personas is an art exhibit that takes your name and scours the Interweb for it. It is color coded based on categories. It’s basically data mining if data mining were like the gay pride rainbow flag. I want to believe that this means something, but honestly I don’t see that it does. However, it does trigger my look-at-the-pretty-colors reflex, which I suppose makes it worthwhile in the end.