Intermittent Rant

Sure, you can criticize Bobby Jindal for sounding like a country bumpkin that talks like Mr. Rogers after a bender. Sure, you may not agree with his insinuation that Hurricane Katrina should be a model for the future of America. But you can’t criticize him for being a liar. Oh wait, maybe you can. Never mind.

I mean, the Republicans in general are the party of fiscal responsibility. In these tough economic times, isn’t it government’s duty to tighten its belt? And shouldn’t that ideology of fiscal responsibility take hold like it always has under the tender aegis of Republican control? Oh crap, now that I think about it, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

But of course, these past years Republicans have touted their patriotism like no other. They support the troops. They wave the flag. They are the party of patriotism. They love America and want America to succeed. And surely they would want its leadership to succeed in the helping America get back on its feet, right? Then again, I suppose not.

But perhaps people are too hard on the Republicans. I mean, it’s not like the party is full of crazies, shitwits, and morons.

Right?

I just had to Obama-ize something and FatHelga (aka my alter ego) seemed like the right thing to do. I really have no desire to explain the etiology of “FatHelga” though I am asked constantly about it (especially on dates).

“So what’s the deal with ‘FatHelga’?”

“Is that the name of an old girlfriend or something?”

“Why the nun with the cigar?”

“Are you on drugs or something?”

Can’t I have a little mystery? Can’t I just be a tad quirky without having to explain my zaniness? Can’t I just be?

Like a complete unknown.

Like a rolling stone.

If you want to Obama-ize something, you can check out Obamicon.Me. It’s a great waste of exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds.

…who the hell cares?

I actually sprained my eyeballs with all the eye rolling I was doing during the program. First off, Hugh Jackman does a tribute to musicals. Then, for each Best Actor/Supporting Actor category, they nixed the usual playing of a clip from the movie they are nominated for and in its place they invited previous winners in those categories to give a schmaltzy soliloquy of positive remarks for each nominee. My favorite was when Adrian Brody talks about Richard Jenkins and you know he has no idea what to talk about when he mentions googling the guy! As if the academy awards weren’t self-congratulatory enough, everyone congratulates themselves. Bring back the movie clips.

Besides the Oscars are kind of a joke. It’s so gamed now. First, only movies that come out in the fall end up being considered. There’s nothing nefarious about it, just short memories. It seems that the studios use this to their advantage doling out the crap films in January and February and hold the really good ones until November and December. And then there are the summer movies, which are intended for the kiddies who froth at the mouth at dumb ass films like Kangaroo Jack or Jack Ass 2. Well, anything with “Jack” in the title. Second, the movies that are submitted for consideration tend to be on the schmaltzy side. Easy emotions always win. Third, most of the people voting seldom see the movies they’re voting on. Fourth, politics are a huge factor. A best actor nominee who is seemingly a lock on the Oscar can blow it by blowing his temper or getting some bad press (qed Russell Crowe). The Oscars are handed out by peers and so it stands to reason that those relationships come into play. It’s more a popularity contest than a qualitative assessment of the films of the past year.

Anyway, the Oscar went to Slumdog Millionaire. I had been saying that for months, so time for me to gloat. I need to, my eyes are shot at the moment.

New Blackberry Storm commercial:

Okay, so I’m at home masturbating when…my Blackberry Storm vibrates.

I ignored the call, but then…I cram it up my ass and call myself all night.

Is that supposed to happen?

Is it supposed to feel so right?

(Shot of Verizon crowd.)

Oh right.

So yes, I still hate the Blackberry Storm and, worse yet, I have to tolerate those terrible commercials where the dude is talking about how the Storm makes him feel like a natural woman or something. And I still see article after article about whether the iPhone will be able to weather “the Storm.” Gimme a break. It’s been 3 months and nobody is talking about it. I haven’t even seen it in the wild at all. There is barely a mention of it outside of those milquetoast commercials.

The word for the inauguration? Cold. Sure, you would throw out words like inspiring, hopeful, etc., but if you were actually there, the word was ‘cold’. And yes, I had tickets to the inaugural parade, which in hindsight, ruined my day because instead of sitting back and enjoying myself, I was worried about making it to the parade route on time. And on time we did, but the secret service shut down the entrance and there we waited…in the COLD…for an hour and a half wondering if we were even going to get in. What a relief it was to get in finally…only to sit on bleachers with the COLD wind in our faces. For a parade that ended up being an hour late. Well, I guess it was too cold for the president because apparently we ducked into his car and sped through the whole procession. So we didn’t even get to see him but through a limousine window. Joe Biden, the consolation prize, got out and braved the cold weather to greet the chilled masses. And when he did, I was shivering so much, I couldn’t even get a decent non-blurry picture.

But in truth it was an exhilarating day. It was a day I never thought I’d see. To see the end of the Era of WTF-ness and see a new president take office who promises a better presidency, a better America, than what we’ve become used to. So for now, I’m still cold from that day, but I expect that once the chill wears off, a spirit of hope will replace it.