Intermittent Rant

I almost called this post “Queer Blow for the Straight Joe”, but I figured nobody would understand it and, to be honest, I don’t quite get it myself. Anyway, so I’m walking down 11th Street today and I see a big sign for…you got it…”Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino” available at the nearest Starbucks. Incidentally, my manager has a detailed mental map of all the Starbucks locations within a 3-mile radius of our office…but I’ll get to that later. So it got me to thinking: What is behind this insurgent coffee craze?

I have a theory. I don’t know what it is, but I’m convinced Starbucks puts something in their coffee. I mean something addictive! I know, I know…caffeine. It’s just the caffeine. BUT, you ever seen anyone go through 7 cups of Jolt cola in one day??? It can’t be just the caffeine. So I’m thinking there’s something nefarious afoot. Something’s definitely going on. I mean, come on…cup after glorious cup gets pumped out on every street corner, mall, and shopping center throughout the country. Everywhere you go, there’s a Starbucks. Everywhere you are, there’s a Starbucks. In fact, I bet there’s a Starbucks within a couple of miles of you RIGHT NOW! Lurking! But that’s not enough…there’s also a 7-11, or a CVS, or something, right? Yes, of course, but these places are convenience places. If you need milk late at night, or a prescription, or have an emergency. And even if you need to get your 2am coffee fix, hazzah! Starbucks is CLOSED!

So it’s well established they’re freakin’ everywhere. But why, oh why, are they so freakin’ popular? Then it hits me…the tobacco industry! They got into hot water with the law just about the time Starbucks got really big. Wouldn’t it be just like them to hatch a clandestine deal with the coffee folks to pump their wares into the American public? Hey, it’s just another channel. It’s just another link in the ever growing supply chain of nicotine. Remember Tomacco?! Remember how Ralph Wiggum thought it tasted like grandma, but he couldn’t stop eating it? I mean, do you know anyone that truly LOVES Starbucks coffee for the taste. I’ve always gotten mediocre reviews. But you can’t stop drinking it. Hell, I know people who drink several cups a day of that stuff.

Of course, the nicotine has to be well hidden. So why not invent new flavors of coffee. I mean, if it were just coffee, someone with an acute tongue may say, ‘Hey, this tastes like grandma!’ Ergo, mint mocha chip frappuccino. It’s all about hiding the nicotine. PLUS you can entice young kids with it. It’s like candy! Oh, those tobacco bastards so want to indoctrinate the young with their products. It’s a sickness. It’s like pedophilia…pedo-marketing. Disgusting.

So that’s my theory. Don’t call it a quack conspiracy thing just yet. Investigate. Call Mike Wallace. Let’s get these tobacco bastards before they corrupt us even further. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children…