Posts tagged ‘Website’

Big MouthI am sick, sick, sick to death of websites that have sound. I mean, I like sound in general. I like YouTube and Hulu and they have sound. What I can’t stand is YOUR shitty-ass website with animated gif’s, center-aligned text, and that fucking WAV file of your favorite song you have that starts playing at 4-fucking-000 decibels immediately after the page loads. Yeah, your website is NOT a fucking EXPERIENCE. I don’t want to be lulled into a feeling of warmth and comfort as you play contemporary jazz and dazzle me with 200MB images of some beach in I-dont-fucking-care-istan.

The reason I’m writing this is because I was just ears-bleedingly-loud-music-rolled by yet another fucking website: (WARNING: the sound on the site is loud…and it never fucking ends).  Look, you amateur dipshits, people actually may look at your website at school, at the library, at work and they don’t need to listen to your shitty music blaring unexpectedly.  It’s annoying and it’s rude.  It’s like if you went to your local library and just started shouting.  It’s like if you were anywhere and just started shouting.  There is no difference between this and acting like a crazy person.  Because that’s what you are — yeah, I’m looking at you, Webmaster G-Dog!, with your Macbook PRO in the coffee shop sipping lattes and furrowing your brow while you work with your webmasterin’ skillz because I don’t know how many years of webapprenticeship you went through and I don’t care how many years you were a webjourneyman before being elevated by some blazing Sword of Greyskull-like dildo that christened you into webmasterhood (pathetic piece of shit, I fuckin’ hate you) — you’re a crazy person.

Here’s the deal.  I want to go to your website, glean some information that I deem important, and get the fuck away.  I don’t want to be pulled into your idea of what my experience should be.  I don’t want to be dazzled by flourishes of pretty colors and smart spacing.  I don’t want a million stupid gadgets in my way for my convenience.  I don’t really care about using your website as a springboard into my social networks because let’s face it, they’re stupid anyway.  And you’re stupid.  I will ignore your ads with every ounce of my being.  I will close every popup you dare to open.  If your entire website is in Flash, I will wonder if you are trying out for the special Olympics because you obviously have Down’s Syndrome…and your mother probably drank during her pregnancy.  All I ask is that you give me what I want and that you get the fuck out of my way.  Who knows?  Maybe I would even pay for that.

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I finally overcame my usual laziness and set up the rant on a subdomain (something I had been meaning to do for a long time). I actually started this process months ago but got lazy again and let it fester broken as it were. You may have noticed that when you went to, you got redirected to Not something I was really proud of, but I let it go. Now if you go to, you get redirected to The benefits are generallly personal: It allows me to organize my web files better plus I now have a clear separation between different applications. (And yes, I know it totally screws up my SEO, but since I don’t care about SEO, then…shut up). Of course, none of this is stuff you would care about.

I didn’t realize how painful it was to migrate an instance of WordPress. First of all, I had to update the wordpress files for some reason. Secondly, I had to do quite a bit of database work to change all references including changing inline links in the post body and the permalinks. Third, I had to change some references around in my Monkey theme. Fourth, I had to rebuild my .htaccess file for mod rewrites. Add to this the All in One SEO pack getting wonky on me because it was incompatible with the new version of WordPress (not altogether obvious) and you can see why it took me so long. (It actually took me all of an evening, but it took me several months to get work up the patience to trudge through all this crap).

So now that I’m back up, now that I’ve made my triumphal return to web publishing, I have to admit you probably won’t be seeing a lot of posts from me. I pretty much spent all the patience I mustered to get to this point. I don’t think I have enough left to be regular about it. But here’s the non-promise: I may or may not weigh the possibility of my giving thoughtful consideration to maybe putting up a post every now and then. Maybe. Who knows…stranger things have happened.

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